Thought I'd be a dreamer once more, and dream...

Someday...

I'm gonna find myself a boy
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams... :D

Someone will tell me, in the words of John Lennon...

Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monster's gone
It's on the run...

Swirling Thoughts

Tuesday night, woke up from a nap at 11pm... yes... 11PM... and stumbled and forced my way into a philosophical coversation that Danielle and Dave (from Long Island) were having. Now that is the stuff that I was hoping college would be made of. Sharing thoughts about things I've been thinking about as long as I can remember. Faith, God, Religion, Philosophies, Life, Death, Happiness -- just a few of the topics that we discussed that night. It was an amazing conversation where no one's toes were stepped on as we tried to explain our beliefs to each other, and how we managed to stay open to ideas and were able to argue for our own opinions. It has been a long, long time since I've had a conversation where I didn't feel the need to defend myself or an idea; I didn't feel as though I was being judged. I didn't need to prove myself to anyone. It was absolutely and utterly refreshing, and it was nice to listen and learn from the other two. And, it was interesting to find someone who had thought about the things that I thought about (which were random things, including hugs). I think it's harder to have "deep" conversations when we are younger because, we are not ready to think about certain aspects of our lives, like our own mortality.

Yeah... enough thinking for now... must sleeeeeeep...

IT SNOWED TODAY!!!! MORE THAN ONCE!!!!
WHEEEEEEEEEEE

I'm going to rent myself a house
In the shade of the freeway
Gonna pack my lunch in the morning
And go to work each day
And when the evening rolls around
I'll go on home and lay my body down
And when the morning light comes streaming in
I'll get up and do it again
Amen.
Say it again
Amen.

I want to know what became of the changes
We waited for love to bring
Were they only the fitful dreams
Of some greater awakening?
I've been aware of the time going by
They say in the end it's the wink of an eye
When the morning light comes streaming in
You'll get up and do it again
Amen.

Caught between the longing for love
And the struggle for the legal tender
Where the sirens sing and the church bells ring
And the junk man pounds his fender.
Where the veterans dream of the fight
Fast asleep at the traffic light
And the children solemnly wait
For the ice cream vendor
Out into the cool of the evening
Strolls the Pretender
He knows that all his hopes and dreams
Begin and end there
The Pretender

Ah the laughter of the lovers
As they run through the night
Leaving nothing for the others
But to choose off and fight
And tear at the world with all their might
While the ships bearing their dreams
Sail out of sight

I'm gonna find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams
And then we'll put our dark glasses on
And we'll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We'll get up and do it again
Get it up again

I'm gonna be a happy idiot
And struggle for the legal tender
Where the ads take aim and lay their claim
To the heart and the soul of the spender
And believe in whatever may lie
In those things that money can buy
Thought true love could have been a contender
Are you there?
Say a prayer for the Pretender.
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender.

Say a prayer for the pretender
Are you there for the pretender?
Say a prayer for the pretender
Are you there for the pretender?
Are you prepared for the pretender?

brought to you by Jackson Browne

Wurd...

Words. So inadequate sometimes that you wish you could explain with images and emotions. I hope that people can tell the difference between explanation and excuses. I hope that you feel comfortable enough to come and speak with me. I apologize for the confusion, but all I can give you are the following things: the words I am about to write, and the words of reassurance that they were not about you.

Remember...

'You have made me smile, cry, laugh, mad, crazy (though that was probably before coming to Ithaca), and all mushy inside! It's true I had a hard time being social at the beginning, but once I gave you and myself a chance, I fell head-over-heels with all of you. I have literally never been so happy in my entire life. You touched my heart completely, and you managed to wrap my heart with your love and kindness, made it grow and warm up. I never thought my life could be so full of laughter and warmth, and you made it possible. Thank you.'

Please, remember what I had said, remember that everything changes, but this is one thing I'm pretty sure about -- I will appreciate you all til the end of the serene, idealistic days we spend together are over, til our hair turns snow white, til the quiet end. It's a turning point in my life, as much as yours, and I hope to make it as painless as possible. You can all ask me about what I wrote a few days ago, but all I will tell you is this: I appreciate your concern, but it's something I'd rather not say out loud. Saying it makes it more palpable. I am not ready to handle IT.

If it makes you feel better to talk about it in the my absence, so-be-it. Talk it over, ponder over it -- I will chalk it up to what I am hoping is a show of caring gesture, not gossiping -- that none of you know what to do, perhaps... Which is understandable considering the circumstance that I have put you all in. But I hope that one day, you will feel comfortable enough to ask me about it, and if I am ready, I will tell you about it. I will fumble over words, I will fumble over emotions, but I will do my best to explain my position without trampling all over yours.

Yet, another thought...

Sometimes, I wonder what I really want. I don't think I know, yet. I want someone to hold me close and tell me that everything will be fine. I want someone to tell me that one day I will be free. I want someone to listen to me because they want to, not because they feel an obligation. There are a lot of things I want, and I will be alright if I don't get those things, but it would be damn nice if I did. I feel pretty damn near exposed right now. Because now you know what I partly feel. I think I can write on and on, but I don't know if I could ever convey what is inside.

And, other times, I wonder if I even want to let go of the baggage that I carry. Because it feels like I need it to live and breathe. Which doesn't sound not unlike an addiction.

"ALIEN-NATION"

Yankees won... :D

yeah... dunno why I'm a yankee fan... but I am for today!

yeah... if you call me a "sell-out" for rooting for a popular team... gimme a break... you can keep using that word, but I don't think you really know what it means!

GO YANKEES... BEAT THE MARLINS!

Marlins shouldn't win because... they are fish... Do you enjoy my logic?? I know nothing of stats or ERA or RBI or any thing really about baseball... I love going to baseball games because it's fun to be in such an atmosphere. And, truthfully, I am still rooting for the A's... yes... I know... they are not in the series... but still... GO A's!!!

So if people don't like the Yankees because they WIN too much... isn't that kind of silly? This isn't exactly a little league game where people can say, "It's just for fun." It is their job. They do get paid. Shouldn't they do their job for the amount of mula they get? Why should they forfeit a game so the other teams can "get a chance." I've also heard that Yankees buy their players... and my response (in all its lack of knowledge of baseball) would be: isn't that what teams do? And, if Yankees buy the "better" players because they have the mula... doesn't it seem logical? In the end, isn't baseball a business as much as it is a passion for many? Contracts, signing bonus, endorsements... yeah... sounds pretty business-y to me. Yeah... i dunno much about baseball. I really don't... but in a layman's point of view, that is what I see. So if you would like to teach me about the laws of baseball... feel free to tell me all about it... but ask first. :P

Yet Another Topic...

So... I would like to keep opportunities open for myself, though it feels like I've pretty much narrowed it down. I believe that in the end, I will likely be aiming for a ph.d. and hopefully will be able to get a job as a professor somewhere... I mean, college is, truly, the place to expand the mind and to learn the lessons of life. Yet, I have my doubts, and I wonder if I should try to take courses that will give me a chance to take MCAT and go to med school... though... the thought is QUITE laughable... especially at 2 in the morning. Yeah... I don't see myself as a doctor of medicine... haha... yes... my momentary brain lapse has mercifully passed.

Life

Yes... I've come to feel a bit despondent about a lot of things that's happening/not happening in my life. I feel as though I've lost my handle on things. I am not the only one feeling this way... but I feel as though I have no time left. Never enough time for the big things, but too much time left for the little things. Ya know?

I like being in Ithaca. But I don't like some of the people here. :P Do you know who these people are? :P

Life feels glum. I sit here hoping that something will come along and make it less glum. I swear I've tried to be happy. Maybe it shouldn't need trying. Seems futile. I've been trying to keep myself busy... to not think about a lot of things... but they are sneaking up on me... and they almost have me. It's a place I'd rather not go back to but it seems inevitable since I can't seem to find the courage to deal with it. Yes, I know I'm being mysterious... maybe even cryptic... probably annoying... but I'm not ready yet. Not yet.

IN THE END, IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER :D

Just a Thought...

People in the east coast call LA people "fake." I wonder why they think that? Who could they have possibly met that they decided to label over millions of people "fake." Did they watch too much TV? Are they just jealous of the city life? I don't know... or are people in LA fake... no one has said it to my face, but I figure they probably say it behind my back -- well, because they are ignorant? judgmental? not sure who's really right. It seems to me that I've met more fake people here than I have from my high school... and definitely more materialistic people who think they know what people from LA are like.
IGNORANCE.

The Main Stuff on my Mind...

So... a real shocker today: Someone writing "I hate you fag" on one of my friends' door (who is gay). The audacity. Ya know? There really are no words to describe emotions that I am feeling at the moment -- something stronger than fear, sadness, incredulity, and I don't know what else. And some people at my school think that the school promotes TOO much diversity. Obviously not. I've never met so many ignorant people before -- considering I've only met a handful in LA in my 10 yrs of residence there, the number of people I've encountered is staggering... I hope I'm not one of them... I almost want to just call them hicks, ignorant, dangerous people, who still believe in foolish things like how they "never asked" black people to come to this country -- uh, excuse me, miss thang, ever hear of slavery? Oppression? IGNORANCE??

The other day, this guy who comes over to our suite a lot made an insanely awful comment... and I have yet to decide whether to take it seriously or not. You tell me what you think.

I was squinting at him, giving him an evil look (jokingly of course, and he knew it) and he mouthed something then turned to leave... and I called out to him, "I didn't see what you just said because I was squinting." His reply? "You're always squinting." (referring to the stereotypical "Asian" whose eyes are "smaller" "squinting" "slanted"). As he tried to tell me that it was just a joke, he made it worse, in my head, by saying "I have asian friends" (or something to that effect). And, all I could think was, "Do you want a fucking cookie for having asian friends?" Is it some endeavor to have friends from the minority group? Sure he was just trying to explain that he wouldn't make such a comment seriously, but really... quite inappropriate, don't ya think?

Now, I'm sure he meant it as a joke, but even he realized that it was a faux pas. What made him think that it would even be remotely acceptable? Was he just not thinking at all perhaps? Or was he confused by the way my suitehearts and I candidly joke about each others' race, ethnicity, and religion? Did he believe that he knew them, or me for that matter, well enough to make such an out-of-the-line statement? Am I taking in too much meaning behind a few simple words? Is it okay since he knew that it was bad? Or is it more unacceptable that he knew that it was bad, yet still said those words to my face?

Between the suitehearts and myself, we have a running joke about me being asian because of a certain comment made by a certain someone at the beginning of the year, and we were all making fun of that. I accept the words as jokes because I know the girls know better, but sometimes I wonder if I should at all? I mean I make jokes, saying "damn asians!" Though.. I have been saying that since freshman yr of high school -- a joke that's a whole another story. Perhaps to avoid another confusion such as the one I mention above?

It angers me, the lack of response about these things. Like about the hate comment written on my friend's board -- what if people shrug it off saying it was some drunk? I mean a few seem to be telling me, with their actions and very little words that he was just joking, lighten up. Well, maybe I don't give a fuck that he was joking. Maybe I am insulted and disgusted that he would even make a racist joke. Before all this, I've been giving him a hard time, jokingly, at least in my mind, telling him how I hate him and such (and for those of you that don't know me, that is something pretty normal for me to say... ALL the time)... and I dunno, maybe I mean it now. haha. ya. right.

I don't know. I just thought I would write it all out so I don't really have to think about it too much.
ANGER AND DISAPPOINTMENT

On a lighter note: About Baseball:

yeah... I could have cheered on for the Red Sox for the rest of the series.... but after today's debauchery, Yankees are lookin' pretty good... haha... unless they decide to pull a crazy thing like Boston did... I mean he physically grabbed a 72 yr old by his head and basically threw him to the ground!!! What a great show of professionalism!! (though... the whole fighting thing on both sides wasn't commendable, I feel as though the Yankees showed a wee bit more of a restraint than the Sox) Not much of a fan of the FANS of the RED SOX either... except few of the ones I live with and Corey and whoever comes and watches the game in our suite.

CRAZY BASEBALL FEVER...

(don't ask me questions)

.you.


if one more tear is shed because of you
i do not know what i will do


i do not have the desire to carry you any further
i do not want you to be here anymore


you have been the shadow
contaminating everything and everyone in my life


my future is being shaped
and i cannot go back


and you, you have molded most of it
and you, you have chipped away most of it


when will you leave me alone
when will i let you go


i can't wait for the day you vanish
i will dread the moment you are gone


my life has been built around you
my decisions, my values, my morals


begone
stay, don't leave


be done with it
done with it, now.

(don't ask me questions)

it hailed today... OOOOO

(please don't ask me questions about what i'm writing.)

.babble.


since when did life become so mundane, so sad, so blah?
i wonder if i can survive this thing, this shadow that insists on following me.
it isn't the first time i've encountered it, but it's getting hard to deal with it more and more.
and i do not know what to do.


i can say it and say it again -- and ask and ask again.
where is my love? where is my life? where is my happiness?
i sit here wondering who to blame, for hours and hours at end.


what made me so unlovable?
what made them say such horrible things?
i can rant and whine about it all i want
but i always end up with the same conclusion --
that i have no one to blame but myself.


my lack of character and all those things that they tell me are true.
the secrets that they whisper behind my back are also probably true.
how come they can't see when i'm hurting, when i'm feeling so low?
why can't it be easy, like putting a band-aid on a cut?


and i keep on wondering and wandering through the dark abyss that i call my mind,
realizing a little more and more how selfish i sound.


why couldn't it be simple --
like pouring the soul into playing the music.
when did it become so complicated?


words seem so inadequate to express these feelings that everyone must feel
it is normal isn't it?
this feeling of inaptitude?


oh man, feels like it's back.

(please don't ask me questions about what i'm writing.)